The Deeper Side of Truth and Bondage

The isolation of bondage in a persons soul doesn’t always reflect on the outside, because bondage is darkness and in darkness light is not reflected. When light is present it exposes what is in the darkness. Bondage is in darkness and Jesus who is the way, the truth, and the life (our light) has come to expose what is dark, hidden inside of us so that we can be free. It is easy to cleanse the outside but harder to clean the inside when in the dark. The hidden things are in areas of our life controlled by darkness that we just can’t seem to get rid of, don’t know how it got there, or how it attached itself to us. May these be anger and violence, addictions, pornography, sexual acts of all kinds not a part of God’s design. Sex is a beautiful thing as long as it is a part of God’s designed plan for it. If what we are doing isn’t in His design then it just isn’t His way. We have to learn to accept that. Until we do learn, darkness will have authority and power over our lives.

The purpose of this is to pull down a stronghold; so, that we can reclaim our authority and power under Christ with the understanding of how deep and imperative it is  for NOW times. It is imperative now to understand and learn to love each other, NOW! No more pussy-footing around. Why now? Because the enemy has started to come out of hiding and is becoming more engaging, more deceiving, and more relentless to get us to believe he is our light. The Word is going to be even more imperative now than ever; because it will be our basis against the counterfeits and the lies; what we do now will determine the future for our children, grandchildren, and every generation after.

A Deeper Meaning of Bondage

Bondage is a state of being bound usually by compulsion or servitude or subjugation to a controlling person or force (Webster’s New Collegiate Dictionary: A Merriam Webster; by G.& C. Merriam Co., 1979). In reference to people, to be bound, is to be placed under legal or moral restraint or obligation  I want to pick apart three other words from the definition of bondage, the words are compulsion, controlling, and force this is so we get a deeper meaning of what bondage is. Compulsion is an irresistible impulse to perform an irrational act. To control, is to determine the behavior or supervise the running of (google.com), add -ing to the word control and its meaning which is 1. product or result of an action or process; 2.something used in an action or process; 3.action or process connected with (a specified thing); 4.something connected with, consisting of, or used in making (a specified thing) 5.something related to (a specified concept). Things being objects and concepts being ideas. Force is a. an active power; b.moral or mental strength; c. capacity to persuade or convince 2. a: military strength b. a body assigned to military purpose, the whole military strength (as of a nation) this is the noun. The verb tense is to do violence to; esp.:rape 2. to compel by physical, moral, or intellectual  means. 4. a: to press, drive, attain to, or effect against resistance. So what bondage would mean, is this:

A state of being placed under legal or moral restraint or obligation usually by an irresistible impulse to perform an irrational act or servitude; or subjugation (subdue, conquer, defeat, bring them to their knees; bring under dominion) to determine the behavior or active power to do violence especially rape.

So, how does bondage work? First, you commit a sinful act which gives legal rights to demonic forces. They do this by making the sin irresistible and then you commit the sin or “perform an irrational act”. You have given them the right to mess with you, your family members, your household. You have given up your authority and power. Look at all that entices you and see if it has brought you into peace in your soul. If your thoughts are consumed with chaos, on the verge of breaking down then you have been a victim of demonic oppression.

Power of Prayer

Don’t be scared! For God is our hope and if no other verse sticks with you then let just this one stick with you.1John 4:4 “…greater is He who is in me, than he who is in the world.” This seems like a rhyme of some sort and when I have asked people if they understand what this means they don’t know. What this means is Greater is God who is in you, than he (the enemy) who is in the world. Let me share something with you to give you hope and strength and courage to stand up to this enemy and rise above the oppression he has tried to serve you with. When in deep prayer I was thrown into a very real vision and what I saw was a very large dragon that hovered over my town. I saw a very large and powerful sound wave trying to reach heaven but the dragon’s body was trying to block this sound. Then I saw a very large hand come out of the sky holding a sword and stabbed the dragon straight in the head destroying the dragon and then I saw legions of heaven’s army standing in the north facing south, waiting. The sound wave was our prayers! I want you to understand the power of prayer. The enemy couldn’t stop our sound because even though it didn’t go straight up it reverberated off the dragon’s body and out the sides and up and God heard the sound. He not only heard the sound but he replied.This should give you peace and breakthrough. My God is a very real, very alive, very powerful God.

The Experience Was Real

The point of bondage is to break you. God’s people have something in them that the enemy is trying to kill. But he can’t have it! Bondage comes in many forms but has just one purpose and it is to kill you. This should make you mad! I know I was when it became very clear to me how real the enemy was and the target on my head. This enemy is no joke, he is no figment of a Christian’s imagination! He is very real. Let me share with you my very real experiences. I watched a demon morph my best friend’s face and watched her scream at me. All the while the spirit in me was warning me something was fixing to happen. I was not the only person who witnessed this! I have heard the enemy whisper to me while on the phone with her, “defiant”. Every time I get on the phone with someone to make them aware of the oppression they are experiencing the phone gets disconnected. However, I no longer have a spirit of fear over these things; those scare tactics make me mad and I just call back and finish my conversation. I have wrote scripture and thoughts and prayers and 5 brand new pens would spill no ink to write with so I pick up a pencil. I have seen people pass by me who weren’t there. I have been tortured in nightmares as a child and demonic dreams as a mother.

Who is Deceived?

The enemy is very real and knows nothing of love! I have had a vision of this big light and heard these exact words, “Angel of Light.” As all of us know this is the “Rebuked One”, I’m coining this phrase. It was a warning, I know now. Because I was soon deceived. The enemy comes in the form of something that looks like God and without the truth of the Word the understanding that goes with it, “even the elect will be deceived.” Matthew 24:24 This was also a sign if you read the entire thing about false prophets and false Christs. We are going to see more of this starting to rise. How do we know they are false prophets? BY THEIR FRUITS! But don’t be discouraged because there are also very real  very true prophets of God right in this very time in our generation. There are many! Prophets release God’s truth and they are very much needed! Their jobs are of extreme importance. The enemy likes to create counterfeits it is our job to know the difference.

I know there are others just like me and so I know I am not alone. Many don’t understand what it is they are seeing. Many don’t know how to defend themselves. Many don’t know! There will be some of you who may dismiss this and the salvation of Jesus. But the hell of your oppression will not be dismissed until you make a choice to turn to Jesus and surrender all your thoughts and all your ways. Then you have given him room to come in and save you. Because you can’t save someone who doesn’t want saving! It begins with surrender and then acknowledge you are a sinner meaning you are not the most innocent person on the planet, and confessing you will believe Jesus was really tortured, He was really sprawled on a cross and crucified, you also CHOOSE to believe He rose from the dead, so that death would have no power over us! Believe! Choose to believe.

The Chosen Do What?

Praise Jesus that He gives us room to grow into the pure bride He CHOSE. He CHOSE us! He CHOSE you! He comes in like a knight in shining armor. His chariot gleams as He scoops you up and carries you off to recovery and teaching. God has mandated a reverse to the curse and I thank Him for just loving us enough to give us room to make mistakes and regress only to move forward into a real relationship with Him. A real give and take relationship.

Start with surrender! Throw down your pride, your anger, your fleshly desires, and follow him! He is worth following! If He could love murderers and forgive them. If He could love the enemy who came to imprison Him and heal the man’s ear; then you can be loved. Your bondage is not too great! He will come and strip your oppressor of power so that you can stand up and praise God and destroy your personal oppressor. God loves you uniquely, you are his favorite. You are favored; but you have to let Him in. For those of you who have let Him in, I say let Him in deeper. If your ready to go all in and take that giant leap of faith; then I say this to you…Look around you and let this attitude come over you…”No one will keep me from Him…I will climb over all of you to get to Him…that is how desperate I am for someone to love me for me to truly put all my trust and love and hope into them!” This is how desperate I am! Bondage was made to keep you from the way, the truth, the life, from Jesus! I know hell can’t keep Him from us; He has showed me that too. When you accept Jesus even if you try to run from him because you feel ashamed, He will come running after you! That is how much He loves you! I love you because He loved me, thank God he helped me to love you! Without love and forgiveness we would all die. So, “You ARE FORGIVEN!” You get to start brand new! Hello to the brand new you! AMEN!

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It’s Time To Let Go

Are you feeling pressure? Is there something ugly rising inside of you that you are not liking? Are you trying to not let the ugly beast out of it’s cage? Well it is time to let go of the ugly beast and everything that came with him and let God tame the beast and clean out it’s cage. It is God’s plan! It will feel like pressure at first. Your annoyed but don’t know exactly why. Your annoyed with people you really care about. This annoyance is not a part of you it doesn’t even make sense why you are annoyed. It is not because your hormonal either. It is the ugliness that has been buried deep inside of you that you have allowed to attach itself to you and this ugliness has to be shaken off of you. It attached itself to you when you came into agreeance with fear you should not have come into agreeance with. For example, in leadership sometimes there is the pressure to be a perfectionist and as a Christian the world puts even more pressure to be a perfectionist. I believe this might come with the fears of failure. Sometimes in leadership the fear of letting others help can be overwhelming. The pressure of your responsibilities can also lie in the pressure of you being responsible for another’s responsibility. Leaders are like mothers and fathers. For example, when your child acts up you are held responsible for correcting their behavior. Leaders feel the pressure of their helper’s mistakes and the fear that it can reflect badly on themselves. But here it is…it is okay to let others in to help. As a matter of fact, here is a story to back it up; Exodus 18: 17-23! Moses’ father-in-law, Jethro, looked at all the responsibility that was on Moses and said to him,

“What you are doing is not good. You and these people who come to you will only wear yourselves out. The work is too heavy for you; you cannot handle it alone. Listen now to me and I will give you some advice, and may God be with you. You must be the people’s representative before God and bring their disputes to him. Teach them his decrees and instructions, and show them the way they are to live and how they are to behave. But select capable men from all the people-men who fear God, trustworthy men who hate dishonest gain- and appoint as officials over thousands, hundreds, fifties, and tens. Have them serve as judges for the people at all times; but have them bring every difficult case to you; the simple cases they can decide themselves. That will make your load lighter, because they will share it with you. If you do this and God so commands, you will be able to stand the strain, and all these people will be able to go home satisfied.”

As Christians in leadership positions, alone it is going to be too much! You are going to need to appoint trustworthy people. Delegate the work load by simply asking the most qualified what they can and can not do and if they are available to do it. This will open up the lines of communication. There are those actually waiting to get a call from leadership to be given permission to volunteer their time. Sometimes we can’t wait for others to volunteer, they won’t out of their own fear of bothering others! Sometimes, it is just a matter of getting the guts to say I have a position that needs filling are you able to do this? If no one is able to do that one, then put that on another list that says hire outsiders (that you trust of course) or keep doing this one myself. Sometimes we just have to lean on God to ask the right people for the job. This means we cannot stay silent. Staying silent is exactly the opposite of what God wants us to do. He does not want us to shrink back. We are supposed to shine and some of us are perfectly capable of doing what needs to be done. It is okay! It is not forcing someone to the task if you are asking. If they don’t want to or are not available, then they don’t have too. Because the position has to be filled, then giving people permission to volunteer allows people the opportunity to offer their services. Others might surprise you with their talents. Sometimes others need an opportunity to shine and they can’t shine if not given the opportunity. It might be in an area you really like but they might be better at doing the task. And that is okay too. This frees you up to do the other tasks you have been waiting to do. Give them permission and watch the river flow and not grow stagnant. People need direction. I will give you a back story to help you understand from another point of view.

As a teenager in high school, it was coming up on spring break and all my friends were visiting all these elaborately exotic places and some of us had plans to hang out with each other. The last thing I wanted to do was hang out with my dad and two sisters. However, dad came home super excited about taking us to Disneyland in Florida. And I, being the heathen child I was, had a total meltdown and proceeded to tell my dad I did not want to go. My dad, being the man he was, firmly told me I was going whether I liked it or not. After a whole day of pouting the next morning we were up and out the door. I had changed my attitude and really thought about how I didn’t want to make anyone else upset. I decided to just go with the flow. The ride down turned out to be fun and when we got to the big Welcome to Disneyland entrance I ended up feeling like a kid and couldn’t wait to get into the park. The point of this story was I was forced to do something I didn’t know was fun for me and I ended up enjoying it. The lesson of the story, it all started with a change of attitude, thinking about others, and my responsibility to be a role model for my sisters.

As leaders sometimes we just have to pull rank.

Prayer: Lord, I just want to thank you for all of life’s experiences. The good, the bad, and the ugly. You have truly showed me nothing in life is wasted. Lord, I ask you to open others up to have a change in their heart who want to find the good but are having their sight blocked by all the bad. I pray for new hearts, new minds, new sight, and a deeper kind of love. I bind the spirit of perversion and release Your love so that it may overflow from them and released to others. Your love is never ending and infectious in that it changes us from the inside out. Thank you for the process of change! In Jesus name, AMEN.

Allow Love to Identify You

Are you feeling silenced? Drowned out amongst the crowd? Are there emotions that rise to the top? Have you been a victim of your emotions? Have you let your emotions control your actions? Is there an emotion you hate to release? The emotion of fear manifests into anger, depression, and anxiety. Fear is a tangible presence and the spirit of fear’s presence is a tool to be recognized.

Anger Control

A light has been turned on to be aware of generational anger. This is an anger manifested out of fear. Fear makes you keep secret promises to yourself from past hurts. I am making a call to sever the generational curse of anger kept by those secret promises. Those secret promises have withheld you from letting love in and has plugged up the river of letting love flow out of you. You must sever your offenses and put on the mind of Christ. His mind was filled with the love of the Father. I am calling you to release the offense of your past hurts to God and trust He won’t let you down. I am calling you to set the generations after you free. These generations are your sons and daughters and their children and all thereafter. Generational curses have put your children in bondage and I am calling you to set them free by releasing your offenses to God. Exchange your offenses for love and let those in wanting to love you and allow them to do it the best they can. I know it’s scary. Know you are not alone in this endeavor to love. Know you are loved!

A Call to Voice and Action

God spoke love into existence and so we must use our voice. It doesn’t pay to be loud unless you have something good to say. So be loud to motivate, be loud to encourage, be loud to expose the darkness. But expose it with the light of love and not anger. Believe me when I tell you that I am talking to myself. Double your light or even triple it! Crush the spirit of condemnation and the spirit of complacency! Know that our constant criticism is just another heap of dirt into the grave. We are killing one another with our constant judgement and grabbing those we love by the hand and leading them into their own personal hell. The thought of being held responsible for knowingly and unknowingly leading people to their death is enough conviction to at least wake us up from our sleepy slumber, our program to go through life on auto-pilot and switch into manual. Conviction that we can’t live life anymore to blindly go into situations guns blazing: physically, verbally, and intellectually to tear one another apart out of fear. I am calling for a 180 and burn with a conviction to transform into the likeness of Jesus. We do this by ridding ourselves of the guilt, the shame, and the fear that we inflicted upon ourselves or allowed others to inflict upon us. We have to hold ourselves accountable for every action we display, especially to our own children. Forgive us Father, we are guilty of not trusting you and forgive us Father for acting like Heathens. Holy Spirit help turn us around; help us to submit to you and your ways. To think your thoughts! In Jesus name! Father, give us a hunger and a thirst to let love in! In Jesus name. Yes lord! Thank you so much for your mercies that are renewed everyday!

Tear down the walls that we built to keep love out. I call to you and ask you to take the pins from the hinges of the door of your heart and let love in when He comes knocking. Then, I call you to rebuild a wall around love to keep it in and ask Him to cover the holes to keep fear out. It is worth the risk! Have a cup of tea with love and ask Him all about Himself and who He is and how He really operates and let Him explain to you what love really is and what it isn’t so that you will never be deceived again. Let Him erase away all the lies and pour out His truth in you. A deep love He has to offer, not like the pictures of love that have left you malnourished and still feeling empty. His love feeds you and nourishes you and allows you to carry on and live life. No more survival mode! No more survival mode! His love allows you to live! Feed on His love!

The Real Deal Card

Only love, perseverant, patient, 70 x 7 kind of love can transform a person. The shackles of anger and fear are released through submission and surrender. Surrender your platinum i.d. card that gives you the “right” to purchase offenses. You are in a new country and therefore you need a new identification card. This card is a gift to purchase joy and speak the goodness of the Father, who sheds undeserving grace on you; so that you can forever come and enjoy everlasting life with Him. He purchased your card with His blood. Freely He gave to me; so freely I am giving it to you. This card allows you to carry His authority and power to use prayer to bring down strongholds and help release others from their shackles! This card allows you to bypass every person and go straight to God Himself. This card allows you to go throughout the earth and worship Him freely.

Pray this prayer with me:

Father, I am praying for freedom! I bind the generational curses of anger and rebellion in my life and my children’s life and I burn them in the fire. I bind the curses of my schools and communities, and of our nation and I burn these in the fire! I ask you to speak truth to us and impact us full of Your life, Your love, Your atmosphere, Your Kingdom. Let a boldness rise in us to burn with full conviction to love one another and transform the air in which we breathe and live into a Kingdom atmosphere. Let every cell be transformed to lay down our desires and pick up Your desires; because now your desires are our desires and sew it into the fabric of our DNA, let your blood run through our veins. Holy Spirit, help us to move past the hurts and into a future that we can live abundantly with you. Feed your starving ones who need your love, Father. I, Father, say “Yes” to be Your daughter, Your son! In Jesus name! Father thank you for hearing this prayer and thank you for responding, Father! In Jesus name, AMEN!

From Judas to Joseph: A Road to Reclaimed Identity

 

Here begins the first step out of a pit of the utmost savagery! Once upon a time there lived me, in the pit of hell somewhere on Riverside Dr. Gautier, Mississippi; and I was losing my identity and becoming someone I didn’t recognize. I didn’t understand it and I didn’t even know at the time how I started to lose it; but, after this mornings happenings I finally realized it was lost the moment I compromised who I was for the sake of having a roof over my head, food in our bellies, and a ride to get where I needed to go to obtain our health. In the midst of it all though came lessons of humbling myself.

The Nightmare

This morning I was awakened by a nightmare. The thing about these nightmares is I have come to realize that it is the enemy trying to creep up on me. He always does this right before God shows me something new that frees me from a layer of bondage. I have learned to recognize to use this kind of fear as a tool usually after the disorientation of “huh?” and “what was that?”. The enemy always places me back in military housing on Pemberton Street. He uses that because as a child I was always filled with fear and in this house was my childhood house. That was the military way of course, scare tactics and pride. Anyways in this nightmare I am still me now, only I am in my parents bedroom from childhood and the enemy just makes his presence known trying to overcome my daughter and I am trying to get him to leave; but of course he doesn’t want to and so in my nightmare I am beginning to have doubts. This fear has my boys getting out of their bed and climbing into bed with me and my daughter. All of us filled with fear in this dream. So here we all are lying in this bed in the dark together filled with fear. Then as it was hard to open my mouth out of fear, I managed to crackle and whisper Jesus. The enemy tried to make me believe that shouting Jesus wasn’t going to work and tried to strangle my airway; but I refused to believe him and out came a giant shout more clear and precise, “Jesus!”. I woke up!

Still disoriented from the dream and fighting off my fears I was debating on what exactly I was to do. It is 3:30 in the morning and I decide to get up to use the restroom. I go past my daughter’s room and something said to open the door. She is sound asleep and in her room is playing music. It is music that most of us listen to as children to annoy our parents. But I have this thing you see, that kind of music does not get played at night. Only worship music is allowed to be played at night. Of course my daughter knows this; but due to ignorance of the severity of not listening to this rule, she compromises my sleep. So, I switch the channel, which wakes her up! Not satisfied that she won’t re switch it I just take the radio out of her room and go into my room with it. I put my Jesus Culture CD in and immediately the atmosphere in my house changes. I am at peace, she goes back to sleep instantly, and then God starts opening the door and talking to me by giving me knowledgeable thoughts about who I am. Did anybody catch this transformation?

Judas Compromised

Now I am here, going back over some events in my life and God expresses to me again the story of Joseph. Joseph was the dude who had the coat of many colors, had dreams and could interpret these dreams and others. His brothers threw him in a pit out of jealousy! Some slave owners pulled him out of a pit and he was thrown in a prison and eventually landed in a palace under Egypt’s ruler. So, as God is talking to me about this He is simultaneously talking to me about a conversation I had with a family member. This conversation consisted of rejecting an offer that would free me of some restraints for a while; but would cause damage to a relationship. I wasn’t willing to compromise and was told I was being prideful by others. No matter how much the enemy throws riches at me and uses family members to do it, in my desperate times of need, I will not compromise who I am or my souls freedom. I saw it for what it was. It was exactly like when Jesus was in the wilderness and the enemy took him to the top and told Jesus He could have all the riches if He would compromise and submit to the enemy’s stipulation’s. Slavery was tied to those riches by the way. It was not pride, it was love for that family member who I have put work into keeping that relationship and trying to show her that God isn’t the enemy. I have seen layers of shame and guilt and anger and hatred come off of her. Her offer was not out of joy it looked more like it was forced upon her to make the offer and so I declined because it didn’t feel right and I love her. He started to show me how compromising was kind of like what Judas Iscariot did to Jesus. Then I thought, whoa how many Judas’ were in the world. So I prayed for forgiveness of our compromising.

From Prison to Palace

Then God started to lead me back to my life’s event in the last 10 years. He has showed me how when I fell to my knees in surrender several years ago he led me out of the pit and into prison. In this prison I have described it as I felt tied to a wall once, the chains were released and I was free to roam around the prison; but yet I was still in the prison! Thank you to my pastor for words that broke me free from the pain of my solitude and gave me hope. Because my turn is coming that I am to be removed from the prison to the palace. I know who I am in this moment; and for the first time in a long time I feel confident in this and how God sees me.

I am His daughter, I am His princess. I am the female version of Joseph and I am here to help with all the other Joseph’s of this world. I am here to help the Moses set the captives free! Thank You Jesus! Now comes the hard work! When Joseph was moved to the palace he was given more authority and power to oversee something God had showed him was coming it was to help in time of the famine. In the prophetic it is said that 7 years of mercy and grace are upon us. But after the 7 years of which Joseph was to store in the storehouses came the famine. These next 7 years we are to store in the storehouses, I believe! I could be wrong but spiritually speaking and naturally speaking I am not sure exactly what these are yet. Slowly I am seeing everything that was stolen from my children and myself being returned.

The reason I am telling this to you, the reader, is because you must reclaim what was stolen from you and know what your true identity is. First, you must surrender to Jesus all your ways and all your thoughts. Second, you have to take step in faith and believe He is who He says He is. Third, you have to start weeding out what inside of you is not Him. Four, all the crap wrapped in pretty packages that turned out to just be a toy that end up causing you a headache and forced you to compromise your true identity, the stuff you accepted and came into agreeance with in order to gain pleasure and riches…well, you wrap them suckers up back in their pretty packaging and put return to sender on it! Last, you trust Him and follow Him. Follow His ways and His thoughts. Don’t forget to have a relationship with Him along the way. P.S. Don’t forget to pick up the book called the Bible so that you know exactly what His ways are instead of going by hearsay. Trust me that road is the path in which why this world is all screwy, now! This last message I leave with you, find your savior, find yourself, and fall into your purpose! With love, Princess JO JO!

Letter to My Children

Dear Children,

I am writing this letter to you my most precious possessions. I apologize for my lack of understanding in how I started off raising you. I apologize that I let people come in and hurt you. I apologize that I didn’t know how to be a good wife at first to make sure your Daddy wanted to stay. Quite frankly there were a lot of things I had no control over. I admit I acted horribly. Please understand I didn’t have Jesus in the forefront of my mind at those times, I didn’t have a personal relationship with him then. I only knew about him. That He was supposively a God who was loving. It was in a moment of desperation, I made a choice to believe it. I was calling Him to show me the loving goodness, the kindness, and to bless me the way all those church people said He would. I asked Him to bless me, a single mother, with no husband, no father, no home to call her own, who acted horribly and wish she could take it back. I was a woman who had nothing left to give…I had not a smile left in me to give, not a penny to my name, my spirit was fading fast. I was the living dead! Then there came a spark of hope…a last resort which should of been my first choice, Jesus.

The First Time I Believed

You see as you and the rest of the world don’t understand exactly who He is. Like you, I once rolled my eyes when people told me Jesus loved me. In my head I was like, “yeah right, where is He then?”. Church people would tell me this all the time! I loved these people; but didn’t understand their way of talking. I wanted to believe those folks but could not find this Jesus they were talking about. Then I stopped looking. This is where I messed up. Fortunately, we had people praying for us.  If you could imagine this, it was like a person who watched from a distance and already they chose you to be their best friend but were waiting for an opportunity for the world to get out the way so you could talk to your new best friend. I imagine that was what Jesus was doing when He was waiting on me.

When Jesus introduced Himself to me, I was on my knees in a church ready to wave my white flag; but, it was because He had started to pursue me. He had letters sent to my spirit telling me He could see my pain. He saw that I was fading so fast . I was on the verge of taking my own life; when His voice…almost audible, spoke to me. It was because I didn’t really want to give up but felt no other choice. The enemy had me seeing there was no other choice. It was Jesus who revealed to me this scheme. It was when my knees hit the alter I felt arms wrap around me and all I could do was wail years of pain and frustration, I couldn’t control how loud the wailing came out. Only there was no one around me to see Jesus with his arms around me. With natural eyes, if you were sitting in the congregation, you would of only saw me. But there were 2 of us and Jesus met me there! He met me at total desperate surrender. I don’t know how He introduced Himself or will introduce Himself to you; but, but the moment He does, it will be special and unforgettable to you. It will be so precious a moment that no one can take it from you! When you see and believe for the first time it is a strong moment. This moment carries you to a place where you see how the world has become so jaded by the things they put their trust and belief into. You start to feel like you have to tell them, “No, No He’s real, He’s real! Come and look. I am trying to show you, He’s real!”

The Struggle to Demonstrate 

I have tried to show you. As long as there are ears to listen, I will talk. As long as there are eyes watching, I will show them. When you shut your ears and close your eyes, put a wall to your heart up, and close off your mind you shut yourself off to Jesus. I know as a Christian I have been guilty of being too zealous in trying to get you to see like me; but it is because I want to introduce you to the Father. If you really want to know Him but want to bypass those of us too zealous, too pushy, too “Bible thumping” then by all means bypass us and go straight to Him! But never let the excuse of us be the reason to stop you. There are others who aren’t as zealous and can probably relate to you better than myself. If you meet someone in the church that might act offended, remember they are like you and are struggling on their walk to be like Jesus. The walk is a process my loves. It has not become an instantaneous transformation. So they still struggle, as do I, in trying to understand and make sense of things. Revelations are all those moments you understand something deeper that you have been trying to figure out for a while and then it just hits you. But usually these revelations come when you are trying to make sense of God. He, His spirit reveals this to you.

I am writing this so that maybe you could try to understand how much I really do love you. I fight hard the only way I know how, I pray! Sometimes when I pray I struggle in that too. But then there are those times when I pray I know I have been heard because something deep down inside of me says confirmed. I try to pray like that a lot but sometimes I don’t feel the strong presence and so I get frustrated. Sometimes God is working on an issue with me but I have not been ready to “wave the white flag” on that yet and so He pushes harder (only because I know how I am and I know I need a push to get where I need to go) because I prayed He would. Sometimes what you see is the ugliness of a struggle… I want you to see it as Mommy is trying to detox  from the poison the world fed me!

The Man Behind the Curtain and World Detox

This “drug” is called sin. Who gave it to us? The “World” gave it to us! The “World” is a drug pusher, a gang member. People you don’t really want to find yourself associating with but somehow gave up staying away and got sucked in to that lifestyle. Sin is like an addicting drug made from venom! Let us look at the natural neurological effects of what certain drugs do, hallucinations… we have hallucinated we are all fine on our own, our children are fine on their own. Drugs and venom make you go numb, and because the drug aspect is addicting when we come off the high of sin and reality starts to try to speak to your heart we need more numbness…and the only way to get more of this numbness is to take more sin. Ah man…we get deeper into it. Venomous bites and neurological side effects or damage; what does this look like?  It looks like “sensory disturbances and muscle paralysis”. I want you to look at this phrase in a different perspective (this is how my thought process works, it is how I “see”). In my experience, venom affects the brain and messes with the way we see God, the way we hear God, the way we feel God. Sin separates us from the way we can experience Him.

This is why this drug pusher has to go you see. If I notice him in the way you dance, I say, “Stop dancing that way please!” If I notice how he has gotten to you through a video game, then the video game has got to go. As detox patients we go through withdraws to detox ourselves from the sin. If we have sin then the drug pusher is definitely around. Flush the drug down the toilet! Get rid of it in such a way that it can’t infect anyone else! Your mother, my love, is going through some detox! So, detox is going to get ugly! We are going to look sick, ugly messes until our bodies cooperate with being off that stupid drug. That stupid drug that feels good at first but then you find yourself a big angry mess afterwords. Hear me my loves! I love you and I will die trying to demolish this drug pusher in our life. So, stop rolling your eyes and see how I see for one moment. This is really a LIFE OR DEATH moment; and because I chose life your mandated to come on this adventure with me! I will take you kicking and screaming! If Jesus has made Himself tangible to me; then that means hell is also tangible.

In the case of this enemy he likes to convince you he doesn’t exist. I am shoving the drug pusher out of our lives, out of our neighborhoods, until he leaves our country and has nowhere else to run! He will face His maker and face his judgement and pay his penalty. Justice will be served. I love you my children, I love you and I am awake. See me and see I am a General who can’t sit down while the enemy invades my people. Like all military personnel; we fight to protect our troops, our territory, our nation. I signed on the dotted line and said, “Yes, Lord!” Watch your mother worship her first love and come kneel with her; for he is Your Father too! I will end this with one last thought…my life my legacy I will leave to you and I WILL see it through my bloodline; and with a perfect knowing that when I do leave this earth my faith, my hope, my love is in this seed I planted in you! Grow my beautiful seedlings!

Love,

Mommy

Spiritually Raped

         There I was in my kitchen with my knees on the floor groaning in the spirit with my comrade on the other end of the phone and my new boyfriend in my living room freaking out. All I could do is feel an intense emotion not knowing why. My comrade was asking me what I was feeling. I said,”Anger! But this anger isn’t mine!” Another wave of this intense emotion enveloped me and had me on the ground writhing with such hurt anger in my soul. Then it was a knowing in my spirit whose anger it was. I started crying but it was like it wasn’t me crying. “This anger is a Holy righteous anger, God is angry! He is so angry right now! I am not understanding. Ohhh he is so angry!”

Just then another wave hit me and through the phone my comrade was given a Word from God, she said, “God is mad at the enemy! I am only saying this to you because only you would understand it; but, the enemy has spiritually raped God’s children, and God is angry with the enemy.”

I understand anger, trust me I do. But I have never connected the fact God could be angry. It wasn’t until recently I was given wisdom to understand exactly what all these occurrences have meant. I will explain it to you because I can see you scratching your head wanting to know and understand exactly what this means. I will write this for understanding and correction. I will write my love story, still unfinished though. I will tell you in a parable form.

The Parable

There My Daddy was, tending to His business and I was standing next to Him watching, when all of a sudden I heard, “Hey, Hey you come and look.” I was enticed by the thought of a husband and a father for my children. The enemy was waiting around the corner in view and kept on and kept on “watering the idea”. It took my eyes off my Daddy and I found myself following the stranger to this idea of getting a husband. As soon as I took off around the corner the enemy snatched me and ran away with me. He hijacked me from the palace. He took me out to a dark cave and blindfolded me, then he tied my hands behind my back, gagged me and then spiritually raped me!  Then the enemy left me alone in the wilderness, isolated, in the dark, not even knowing who I am and still bound. The enemy took my innocence, my purity, my identity.

The Father turned to look for me and saw I was missing. He sent for a search party, a whole army to search for me. He was at the head of this army in His Golden armor. He was writhing in pain not knowing where I was. He came to the cave where I was and could hear me calling out, “Daddy, daddy help me!” He couldn’t see into the cave and asked for a torch. And headed into the cave in hope he could find me.

I saw a light in the distance and wasn’t sure if it was the enemy coming to rape me again. I heard a voice that wasn’t the enemy and started to get excited, I had hope, I wanted to run but was still tied, gagged, blinded… it was my Daddy! But all I could hear was His voice so I started crying out, “Here Daddy! Daddy I’m here!”

The Rescue

The Father started coming faster making his way to me, plowing anything in His way to get to me. His heart beating faster and harder, the adrenaline building higher. His heart was so loud and hard I could hear it. Finally, he reached me and grabbed hold of me and embraced me into His arms and we both began to sob. Daddy kissed my face all over and embraced me once again. He removed the blindfold from my eyes, the gag from my mouth, and the ties from my hands and feet. He led me out of the cave by His torch. I was so overwhelmed with hope and excited to get home.

On the way home we stopped by a house called church, where my father, also called The Great Physician, brought me into a better light where he saw the brokenness of my body, the cuts, the bruises, the anguish my body and mind was in. All He could do is look at me with compassion. He bathed me in warm water to remove the dirt, blood, sweat, and tears caked into my skin and hair! He talked to me gently to soothe the twitching in my body, a side effect of the torture I had endured. He combed my hair, put anointment on my scrapes and cuts, and dressed me, and laid me down to rest in a soft bed. In the morning when I woke up I looked around seeing I was in a good place; but I still wasn’t home! Because my eyes have been in the dark too long he put a veil over my eyes so that the light  wouldn’t hurt them. Daddy and I packed up went to the next town and camped there for a few months and recognized it was under the authority of an evil ruler who had moved into the land. So Daddy and I moved on to another land to stay with some fellow relatives and was offered a place to stay. The place was great but again it was not home. Home was far away and we had to keep making pit stops at random relatives homes. On the way in order to soothe me Daddy told me how He had a home built for me and told me how He had a husband already picked out for me.

The Battle In the Land

As we started again for home there was rumor that a war was raging in the land and therefore had to make a home in a familiar land, until we could strategize to defeat a principality. Because of what the enemy had done to me at the cave I was suffering from PTSD, anxiety , anger, and fear. Daddy realized I needed therapy and surgery and had to get me home! Meanwhile, back at the cave the enemy realized I was missing. He was on a rampage and sent his minions to find me. Word was sent out and minions everywhere were on the lookout.

Back at our familiar home, Daddy would take me to a church to teach me His laws and I loved serving Daddy again. I was starting to remember my identity again. As time went by, minions started showing up everywhere and news started to travel at how the enemy was trying to move into the land. So Daddy started showing me how to slay in the spirit. Daddy’s angels even showed me how to sick the Hounds of Heaven to scatter the enemy from their camp ground. I was learning new things and would try to tell the surrounding people, some would listen, some would scoff, and others were jealous and treated me like dirt.The enemy was becoming relentless at trying to kill me because you see, I was a key to finding the others who were in the dark. Being in the dark I understood how darkness could operate. I started to open up to my Daddy about the things the enemy did to me and told Him there were others who were in the darkness. After hearing what happened Daddy became furious with the enemy. We decided we couldn’t go home until we could rescue the others in that cave.

Fast forward to a vision I had where Daddy was so angry with the enemy I saw Daddy towering over the enemy who was thrown down to the ground and Daddy had him backed into a corner! Daddy has had enough and is dealing with the enemy who touched His daughter! Daddy was my knight in shining armor! End parable!

Victimized Into PTSD

Now mind you, this is not just my story! This is every woman’s story who hasn’t reached home yet! This is what happened to Eve in a sense, she was lured away and deceived. Let us look at the impact of rape and torture and the length of time spent in the darkness. My darkness lasted a total of 5 years. Let us look at this from a medical stand point. Like hitting your head can cause amnesia. You forget where you come from, a Heavenly Home. Rape victims usually manifest other perversions: homosexuality, porn, promiscuity! Other side effects of rape: no sexual appetite with your spouse, isolating yourself from others. Side effects of PTSD: memory loss, anxiety, constant alertness and survival mode; manifesting in a body constantly worn out, feeling tense, intense guilty feelings, depression, worry, emotional numbness. Avoidance of the same traumatic event! This can cause all kinds of physical ailments. Including physical problems with higher rates of the neurological, respiratory, musculoskeletal, and cardiovascular systems.

I believe victims of this nature; healing is most definitely a process. I believe God is the ONLY one who can pull us from this darkness into the light to recover and start healing. I believe some victims identify with the enemy so much they don’t want to leave because they have acted as their “child-husband” or “child-wife” this is going to take a special brigade to rescue them. They “love” this darkness because the light is too scary and foreign, and darkness has brainwashed them into thinking that this is what love looks like. These ones are the ones that need the most care and constant reassurance of what real love is.

Love and Recovery

What makes me an expert on this? This, this is my love story! I found Jesus and I found Him in people whose hearts were from a Kingdom viewpoint and loved me unconditionally. I found Him in my heart. I found Him in worship!  Worship is a servitude. Kinda like when my earthly father would ask me to go get him something, and like a child does, I would cheerfully run to go get Daddy his things. This pleased Dad more when I did it this way. It annoyed him when I got older and would get him his things stomping across the room huffing and puffing. I think this why Daddy (Heavenly) likes our child-like behavior.

Slowly I am recovering from the darkness, and I have PTSD moments, and slowly I have become more free from neurological damage. I mean I have remembered enough to start writing again. My amnesia is starting to clear up and my hope is being restored. Heart issues both emotional and physical, I am waiting for the transplant! This truly is a process and healing doesn’t always happen over night, even with Jesus; because He knows exactly what your medical treatment needs to be. I am still in a temporary home learning how to get completely free and take authority over my household. I have been getting better at it! He is preparing me to go after the ones still in the darkness and bring them home with us; but only after we get them can we go home!

Living on the Edge

So, I know it has been a while and all since I have wrote on my blog. I am trying something new and it’s called really learning to lean on God! Which entails being able to keep coming into focus. Which is so much harder than it looks but is kinda fun because well, I like challenges. We at church call it “squirrel syndrome”. Those who have seen that one movie, you know what I am talking about! Where you are doing your thing intently focused and all it takes is a squirrel to comes across your path and rear you in another direction! New things I think should be shared for the purpose of being transparent and helpful to others are some things I am figuring out about my identity.

I have once questioned why as a woman, why do I have broad shoulders? Laugh go ahead! Are you done? Great! So this is what it has to do with my identity..when I asked this question it was answered with, “you were made to carry things in which others can’t”! As my sister has said once to my children and I quote, “ Your mother has been through things that most people would have committed suicide by now!” I have never thought of my life as somebody else would have bailed out like that but I considered it a compliment. I thought others just keep looking at me like some kind of fool. But realize it was just holding onto lies I thought were the truth. Quite honestly I have had thoughts at one point in time about jumping ship but God knew just how to come in and save me! I was living out of an orphan spirit, yes! I had taken anything anyone would give me hoping that this would be the time I could get on my feet. Did I feel guilty doing it? Yes! Did I know how else to do it? No! What do you do when your identity is stolen? I have hit rock bottom for myself! I have lost all dignity, self-respect, control over my life and circumstances. I have looked in the mirror and was disgusted with what was staring back at me! I might have even danced with the devil more than once. I lived a life out of constant fear of my worst nightmare for 5 years and it turned me into the monster under the bed! I may not have been on drugs or alcohol but I am a survivor against the ugliest beast ever, ME! How do we survive the “Me” beast? It all started the day someone offended me just a little and asked, “How’s the whole “Bitch” thing working out for you?” Yep this came out of the Christian ladies mouth! How appalling!!! But I needed this reality check!!! Thank you Jesus for the appalling it was just what I needed! Then another church friend said something to me just as appalling but it didn’t offend me this time it offended my best friend standing next to me…it only confirmed whatever God was doing inside my heart and he was preparing me for surrender! It wasn’t long after I waved my little white flag and the weight of the world was being lifted off of me. It was like being buried and someone came and digged in the dirt and pulled me out! My body literally felt lighter! The day I surrendered was the sweetest day of my entire life! It has been at least 3-4 years since that day and so much has happened since the day Jesus pulled me from the dark. For me it did happen inside a church where Jesus had already prepared others hearts to receive us to receive me just as I was…broken, dirty, angry, scared, and scarred! I mean I was literally those things: picture this I was standing on Holy ground with a lit up cigarette hanging out of my mouth, screaming how much I wanted God but hated my husband and I am only coming to church for myself and my kids, and he can sit on the other side of the room where he can get his Jesus on! I was cussing angrily and crying I really broke down because it was my last hope and the worship pastor…(I was waiting for the look of shock, and the feeling of shame I was ready to fight and to give up all at the same time) but he only looked at me with compassion and firmly gave my husband a look. It was the first time I felt some compassion in a long time. All I was looking for was compassion because if I had one more person tell me to suck it up I might have…well who knows I just couldn’t take it anymore and all I had to do was make a choice…Go see God (wherever he was)!